Broken Heel

Broken Heel is walking strong...

2010-07-10T23:04:00.003-04:00

... and proud with new opportunities.

Check out my new blog, La Belle in France: same blogger, different blog, renewed vitality.

Sexy

2010-04-25T21:56:00.002-04:00

I feel incredibly sexy. There is no rhyme or reason, no man or crush, no new lingerie, nothing of the sort. There is me. Here and now. Loving who I am and what I have. Feeling 100% sexy and independent and charming and desirable.

I remember the last time I felt like this. It was in college just 4 months ago. And unemployment and starting a new job took that away. But I'm back in my skin again wondering what new adventures will arise out of me being confident as me in a new environment with people that don't know me.

The world is open, the possibilities endless.

It feels good.

Round and Round

2010-03-21T00:17:00.005-04:00

There are so many things I want in life! It's driving me nuts! I want it all, I don't know how to get it all, I don't know what to choose, I don't know when to choose it. Blah blah blah!

I discovered an area of the city I'm near that I love! I want so badly to just move there - but I have to wait. For one, I had no intention of hanging around here long. I was also playing with the idea of moving back to California. I also love NYC. I desperately want to move to France. And if I were to arrange moving there any time soon... well, the rent is a bit steep and what about Jadie and Luella (my parrots)? With Maiden too (my cat)?

I also want to buy a house. But when and where? I'm not settled enough to buy a house... but why max out on rent, when I should save to buy?

And I certainly don't want to live with mom and dad for too much longer. Do I start to settle down here and rent an expensive condo? How can I save for buying if I'm max'd out on renting? Yet, I can save a ton living with my parents...

Will a downtown apartment allow my parrots? I need at least a one bedroom to keep my parrots and Maiden separated. Can I find that? Can I afford it?

Do I even really want to consider settling around here?

Do I really want to move to NYC? Which is more expensive, more crime ridden, more of a hassle.

And California, on the other hand, isn't really the focus of the art world... is there enough for me to start a career out there? But the people are more my kind of people.

NYC is better for beginning... I wouldn't have to be there long. Although I would not be able to save money to move to California once I'd had enough of it... But would I lose myself to the corporate world?

And France? Why can't I just move there? Then I wouldn't be here debating over which city I think is right for me... which city I feel has the kind of people I want to include in my life. Which city has the best real estate.

I hate how my mind goes around and around in these circles!!!

It's never too late to become who you want to be

2010-03-18T18:49:00.015-04:00

So I kinda have a crush on my massage therapist. Is this weird? I can't decide. In my defense, I noticed him before he ever became my massage therapist. I kinda have this thing for... well, for dreads. And he has beautiful, long, thin dreads. With his organic clothing, his bare feet.... I find him quite sexy.

Perhaps it's because I've always wanted dreads. The first time I considered them, I must have been about 13. A charismatic girl on TV had them with seashells intertwined. It was free spirited. It was exotic. It was beautiful and I wanted to be as light as she was.

Not too deep down inside I want the lifestyle that is associated with dreads. I want the intimate circle of friends. The interesting religious/spiritual ideas and discussions. The sense that you belong to a larger purpose. The interest in fighting for political freedoms, especially those environmentally significant. The focus on each day, each moment, each relationship - rather than money. The interest in yoga, meditation and bohemian dress and decor. The appreciation of art.

But I wasn't raised to appreciate those values. I have been raised to be sophisticated. Educated.

Corporate minded. Business savvy. Suit and nylons. Heels and cocktails. A slave to modern society rather than a flower child of timelessness.

I can't turn my back on who I've become. Fully embracing a hippie lifestyle wouldn't feel quite natural. But I can find little ways to integrate the bohemian culture into my daily life. I would love to find someone who balanced out the sophisticated in me and embarked with me on this voyage of exploring my inner bohemian.

So I know my massage therapist can never be anything more than that. None the less, I will take what I can even if it's just a little encouragement to embrace my inner bohemian with a little more fervor. And that's not strange at all - that's simply allowing oneself to be impacted by another person in a positive way.

And so I'm inspired.

Frustration

2010-03-14T20:23:00.005-04:00

When you know you are capable of flying to the moon, it sucks when NASA only gives you access to the training rocket that never leaves planet earth. I know I took this job/internship over the art gallery and I know it was my choice. But everyone I had talked to about it seemed to listen and love my ideas. I was given the impression that I would be overseeing something and making a lot of positive changes.

After spending the last week in the office, it's become clear that they have no idea what to do with me. I'm the Social Media Intern and quite frankly I know more about social media than anyone that's there. "Intern" implies that I'm learning something and yet I'm the one teaching. I should be the Social Media Coordinator but I don't have access to the vast array of things that desperately need to be coordinated as they are that the corporate office. So what the hell am I doing?

So far my one task is updating the facebook page. Do they really need one person to update the facebook page? Do they really need to pay me so much to update the page? Are they aware that updating the facebook page takes about 5 minutes a day? Are they aware that this is so incredibly simple an 11 year old could do it and I would be happy to volunteer to do this from my home instead of get all dressed up to come to the office and sit there feeling misplaced for 7 hours and 55 minutes 5 days a week?

So I look out the window and the moon is still thousands of miles away pinned to the black sky. It's full face softly illuminates my room and fills my head with dreams and possibilities. My beacon of hope.

To make things more frustrating, the company hires so many "Fellows" each year. I have more education than these Fellows and yet they are given more responsibility than I am. I secretly despise them especially the ones that I know carry low IQ's yet somehow managed to get by the screening necessary to be deemed a "Fellow."

I should have followed my passions. I should have stuck with art. Thank goodness this is only 6 months! Thank goodness I am paid (although is it odd I wish my responsibilities matched the dollar amount?)! I have 23 more weeks (yes, I'm counting down).

I hope that this amounts to more than a bullet on my resumé that reads "Regularly updated Facebook."

New Chapter

2010-03-07T19:10:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I start my internship. I'll be working as a Social Media intern in the Marketing Department. I'm nervous, excited and realize that unemployment, though challenging, depressing and deafening at times, has really been a great opportunity to write, explore my heart and tackle new projects like painting my room. The painting is far from finished but that's OK. It's about journey not the destination and I'm enjoying the process.

I did turn down the position at the art gallery. Something wasn't right about the work environment. On top of that, the gallery had little concern for contributing to the world of art - meaning they didn't really have a grasp on what was worth a scholars attention, in other words what would later be qualified as art of our time. This element is important to me, not aesthetics.

So tomorrow I suit up for orientation. I still feel as if I'm on a tangeant and have decided to continue this blog although I'm working on my new twist.

I love that this blog, more than anything, has connected me with others who have been encouraging despite going through this same process themselves.

Thank you so much my dearest readers!

I ♥ Elephants

2010-03-05T20:41:00.001-05:00

Butterflies

2010-03-04T09:16:00.000-05:00

Interview is today! Is it sad I'm not excited?

I keep telling myself to put my best foot forward regardless but I can't seem to shake the gnawing feeling that it's just not the gallery for me.

The art is, to say the least, kitschy. Like Thomas Kinkad and for those not familiar with art it's like a plastic flower to the rarest rose. Is that enough to eat away at my pride of workplace?

They said they don't want to create a snooty environment for costumers. I was the consumer too snooty to set foot in this gallery before.

Best foot forward. Best foot forward.

I have an hour and fourty-five minutes until I'm there. This isn't the attitude I want before an interview. At least I'm good at hiding this sort of thing.

So this is all interview practice, right? A chance to dust off the special interview heels, shack life back into my interview-appropriate suits that have been dying to be worn at least once. A chance to walk around with my head held high, and focus on my accomplishments and greatness. A chance to get an offer I have the choice to turn down if I so desire.

More to come this afternoon, I'm sure! Until then, any ideas on how to treat myself afterwards? Sort of a celebration, pat on the back for a good job and something to get my mind off of any mistakes I may have made.

And mostly because we all should treat ourselves from time to time.

Tangent from Unemployment

2010-03-01T10:46:00.002-05:00

Today I'm working on painting my bedroom. I've been playing back and forth on whether or not I should but decided to just do it!

Not sure on the color yet but I do have the white I want on the ceiling as well as a bit of pink I'm going to do on the detailed trim I have on my closet doors (sounds daring but I'm certain it will turn out lovely!). The walls are going to be turquoise, which it turns out there is a wide spectrum of what qualifies as turquoise. I chose to sample a minty green variation as well as a more blue toned turquoise. I like the blue toned one better (pictured here on the left) but it's still not the color I'm hoping for. You can see the blue (too gray and little boy's nursery for me although I did choose it) I am painting over.

Below are pictures of my room, at least part of it. I love the chair rail but I don't think I am gong to paint different colors above and below as I did before. It's going to be one color on the walls, the chair rail will remain white and the ceiling and crown molding will be white. Tiffany was my inspiration but their turquoise is too bright and childish for painting. I've been using House of Turquoise to solidify my color pallet. I'm going for turquoise with a splash of pink grounded by black and white and perhaps a little lingering brown (a few of my things are already brown) as pictured here, third photo down.

I've never painted a room with all the furniture still in it. Wish me luck! Off to the paint store to get another sample that will hopefully be the shade of turquoise I'm looking for!

Enjoying the View

2010-03-01T10:15:00.004-05:00

I called the gallery today for the position they called me about and lined up an interview for later this week during the late morning - perfect for someone who is used to sleeping in and 8:30 is "getting up early." The gallery director said they already had the final candidates and were looking to make a final decision but wanted to interview me first. Translation? My resumé and cover letter stood out enough for them to say, "What a second, let's interview her first before we decide."

What a confidence boost! Especially for my cover letter. Those things are tricky! There are so many does and don'ts and a delicate balance between selling ourself and sounding arrogant.

None the less, interview preparations are underway. Luckily, I already have the suit, the nylons and the polished shoes. I just need a hardcopy of the resumé I sent them.

Greatest Dilemma

2010-02-28T19:04:00.005-05:00

PHOTO HAS BEEN REMOVED BY AUTHOR

I have gotten into the habit of ignoring my cell phone - no one calls me and so far job leads have been no more than cold calls from insurance companies. No cubicles, thank you.

So imagine my delight when yesterday I found a voice mail from an art gallery about a job posting I had applied to quite a while ago! Not only that, but the call comes the day I sit down to work on the paperwork for the internship my dad hooked me up with at his company.

There are many pro's and con's. First of all, the internship pays well and I'd even be able to take things like "Etiquette Seminar's." However, it's not career related work and it's located in a bad area of town. I'd also have to maintain a professional distance and always be at my best. The art gallery on the other hand would include commission on top of a base pay so I might not make that much, yet it's totally career related. It would help me build up my art-related experience for pursuing work in NYC. Whether or not I get to go to France, it'd be nice to have on my resume and would keep the ball rolling for a career in fine art.

I feel bad that my dad helped me get this far. He understands and would be disappointed but knows what it would mean to me. I'm just glad the call came today rather than a week into starting!

Game plan: Pursue both. I'll submit the HR paperwork for the internship as well as call the gallery first thing tomorrow to set up an interview.

I am so excited!

That's me with the Warhol's by the way.

Right of Passage

2010-02-25T19:25:00.008-05:00

If you listen, Maiden will tell you all you need to know.

Every morning is the same with Maiden. While I am in my REM sleep, I'm aware that she is lingering around my room. She occupies her time with batting at a few toys here and there, balancing on the window sill, knocking things off my bookcase and occasionally jumping up on the bed to check in with my sleep status. As I wake, I watch her thankful I found such an awesome kitty. Unaware that I'm awake, she'll go about her explorations and continue to glance at me to check for any signs that may indicate I'm no longer dreaming.

No matter what she is in the middle of her world stops at the sight of my hand motioning her to come join me. She lets out the most adorable purrish-meowand comes over to soak up about 15 minutes of nothing more than head rubs, neck scratches and maybe even a little cat nap. She is happy. 100% in that moment and enjoying it for all that it is with her favorite person.

I've come to notice that many people at this stage in their life are enjoying the experience of adopting a pet of their own. No more college, no more parents restrictions, no more dormitory or apartment anti-pet rules and likely no roommates to be concerned with (allergies? I'm not sneezing! Not a cat lover? You haven't met Maiden yet. Don't like dogs? Don't have to adopt one). It feels so good to pick out that one (or more) lucky animal, The Chosen One, that you are going to share this exciting stage in your life with.

A Right of Passage during the stage where your adulthood and evolved sense of responsibility take action and your heart opens to loving, adoring and caring for another.

Maiden is my special animal. No matter where I go, she's coming with me. I feel like there is some unique sort of camaraderie between us. I look out for her, learn how to communicate with her, adapt and compensate to her being deaf (not a disability at all and I totally recommend adopting a deaf cat if you have the opportunity) and take the time to shower upon her all the attention she desires. In exchange she assures me that it doesn't matter what I look like on a late Sunday morning, my raccoon eyes are not scary, my breath isn't noticeable, I'm always missed when I'm not around and no ones looking to see if that outfit makes me look fat after all.

So on a final note, I want to congratulate A.M. on her new addition, Eloise Fleur. I'd also like to thank and praise all those who have found solace in the eyes of their beloved animals as well, most notably Hire Me.

Mlle Moi

2010-02-24T22:25:00.005-05:00

Today was a good day. I have been hired to do a small freelance newsletter and I worked on that all day at a coffee shop. It felt sooo good getting out of the house and start working on something in an environment I love.

Lots of different themes are running through my head right now for this post which is great because I was at a writers block yesterday. I've been thinking a lot about my last post and it's been bothering me that I live this way so I took some action. There is a great job opening at my #1 Dream Company and although I don't meet some of the qualifications, I decided to apply anyways. In fact, I decided to apply to all relevant positions that become available that I think I would be a good fit for until the HR department feels they have Déjà Vu when they come across my resume for the umpteenth time and alas, I get the job! At the very least an interview! Which means a bit of travel and the possibility of a move - so exciting!

After all, I can't live life holding my breath. I can't live life always waiting! When the chance comes to climb Mt Everest, you take it! Until then, you climb every damn hill, slope, mountain and valley that's within reach.

I love this new fiery attitude!

And I blame my new Dior sunglasses - So I decided to share with you, dearest readers, the beauty of rose tinted Dior shades.

PHOTO HAS BEEN REMOVED BY AUTHOR

Ok, not exactly, but they sure are fun! And that's an Eiffel Tower hanging from my rear view mirror - I ride with no shame.

Missing Mojo

2010-02-23T21:47:00.004-05:00

It's been two months since I graduated. I have been having some trouble getting motivated and mostly with networking. I had some contacts I was hesitant to get in touch with partly because I didn't want to appear desperate. Mostly, there is someone who owns an art auction house that I was encouraged to get into contact with. I really really want to work in an auction house dealing art -- it's my passion but I don't know how to approach him for suggestions without breaking down in desperation and asking if there are any possible positions for me. That would be the number one "Don't" in networking and information interviews.

As usual, I put things on hold. I always put something on hold (except when shopping in which I just buy it then and there). I don't date because I'm always moving around and am waiting until I "settle down" in one spot for a while. I am hesitant to continue pushing a position at a museum or art gallery because I don't want to have to choose between France or career (I'm afraid I'd choose career). I also don't want to get a great position and potentially harm my contacts by not telling them about the possibility of France and then quiting. I want to study for the GRE but am waiting until I get a job so I can jump into a solid routine.

Excuses excuses excuses!!

I'm so tired of putting things on hold and yet I can't seem to muster up the... whatever it is I need to muster up in order to move forward and stop getting hung up on all of these crazy little obstacles.

When it comes down to it, unemployment has proved that I am my greatest obstacle.

How on earth do I get over this?

Q&Q, no A for now

2010-02-21T18:56:00.002-05:00

I'm getting so sick of these mood swings. Mostly I'm getting sick of feeling miserable and wish feeling happy lasted longer. It didn't help that when I googled "mood swings" I got pre-menopausal or bipolar...

I had a glimpse into what I could be learning from this experience today. Usually it's hard to focus on that when you are in the middle of having a bad time but the question has lingered despite not having the clarity to see the answer.

Perhaps I am learning how to be happy from within or how to create happiness despite unforeseen circumstances. Perhaps this experience is giving me the strength to create the lifestyle I have always wanted such as incorporating regular meditation, seeking inner beauty, pursuing activities that break me out of my comfort zone and also becoming more of the woman that I want in a man. For example. I wouldn't want to date a man that feels miserable, that is spiritual withdrawn or mopes around the house unemployed. I do want to date someone that is intellectually stimulated, engaged in various physical activities and pursuing a healthy career.

Oh, and also willing and able to move to Europe in a heartbeat.

Most importantly, I'm not digging myself out of this situation to find a man. I'm doing this for me and for the sake of that big, natural smile and easy laughter that once came so easily.

Call it what you want: post-graduate depression, unemployment, a rut... I am feeling today what I need to in order to be stronger for tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month.

But I'm not going down easily, I'm frantically trying to claw myself out of this ditch and into an open meadow of possibility.

Decisions and Dior

2010-02-21T00:48:00.007-05:00

I did a bit of shopping today. Many things were not necessities, such as rose colored Dior sunglasses on sale for a remarkable deal, but others were incredibly necessary for one of many reasons: To prepare for my new "job" (though I still feel unemployed), to build self-esteem and to nurture my wounded confidence back to polished silver.

I added a few books to my library - I had really only planned on purchasing The Secret but I found some other books that somehow followed me to the checkout.

This is actually a journal. It reminded me of when I was in Paris. The theme of the journal are post cards which I often wrote myself as a way of journaling and officially marking my traveling journey throughout France and Europe (I sent myself a post card from every city except Arles, France - the first city I traveled to while living in Montpellier and the first city to give me the idea). Every other page has a "post card" to quickly jot down the "Highlight of the Day" followed by some room for other thoughts. I haven't decided how I want to use to although I think it would make a great workout journal! We'll see.

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Although this is the book I set out to buy, I honestly have no idea what it's about. All I know is I read a quote from it and knew instantly that it would help me with what I am going through right now.

Don't Give it Away is actually for young girls - not 24 year olds. But my mom bought this for me when I was going through Junior High and it brought me an enormous amount of comfort to buy it again now, arguably the hardest time of my life since those awkward Junior High years. It's basically a fill-in-the-blank journal with categories focusing on discovering the best of you and loving the not-so-best you.

I also fell in love with an Andy Warhol book - totally off the self-help topic but it made me smile and I felt proud of my education adding it to my library of other art and intellectual books.

As for fashion, I am quite the savvy shopper. I don't remember the last time I paid full price for anything and I don't look like the JC Penny's sales rack either. Such as my Dior sunglasses which were an amazingly good deal - so amazing I feel ashamed voicing the price for fear that Christian Dior himself will rise from the grave dressed in a fashionably Frankenstein-ish fedora and demand I pay the rightful price. I also got two pairs of shoes, two adorable blazers perfect for spring business casual/work in France and one mid-length rain coat that is all too cute! All wonderfully acclaimed designer names.

While the goods were great, my mood went from light and fun to mopey and miserable and then back again. I'm considering more seriously joining a yoga studio and finding a meditation "coach." I am even considering a yoga meditation retreat that's in April. Fear holds me back (fear of who will be there... will they be my age? How many will be attending? What if there isn't anyone else? Will the food be good? What if it's really gross?). I hate fear.

As for the job (which is really a six month internship), I am working on changing my mentality about it. I know I should be happy I have something but there are other circumstances creating a breeding ground for doubt and fear. Mostly it's working within my dad's company and sometime ago I made the decision to completely stay out of my parent's professional life only now to find myself being tossed back in. I have a week to change my attitude about something that took me 20-some years to firmly establish.

All of this is making France look much more attractive and I keep praying I get it. I am grateful I finally have the chance to save up for it. If I don't get it, I'm glad I will have saved up all that money anyways and I'm going to use it to move to a new city for a fresh start. I really do much better outside my parent's nest.

3 + 1 = Celebration

2010-02-17T17:41:00.005-05:00

I'm becoming a little angry.

I did something amazing and have felt like I cannot celebrate it because I don't have a job. But I'm getting tired of this - I deserve a master celebration and unemployment should not steal this from me.

And in a way, I've let it!

The amazing accomplishment that I want to celebrate is graduating from college. Not only did I get my Bachelor of Arts degree, I got three Bachelor of Arts degrees with a full year abroad in only 5 years (Art History, French, International Studies).

Yes! I did!

And I got all three diplomas in the mail recently (actually I got 4 because they sent me one for my Business minor as well) and I should celebrate!

I have not felt happy about graduating because I knew the darkness and horror of unemployment was looming over my head the moment I turned in my final research project and I walked off that platform. And today, I say THE HELL WITH THAT!

I'm celebrating.

The List

2010-02-17T16:25:00.005-05:00

I have been avoiding making a list even before I graduated. I hate lists. I've had too many given to me telling me to "Do this... Do that..." and thus I resent them a bit. So I haven't even wanted to make a list for myself.

Until today.

Yesterday I felt awful. I felt miserable. I felt like my dreams were being swept under a rug to be forgotten. I felt like I was being buried under the sand as the tide was coming in. I was feeling the pressure full on of still not knowing how to balance the life I want to live and the life I need to live in order to support the life I want to live. I was also feeling spiritually parched.

I thought after a good nights sleep I'd wake up feeling differently but I didn't. The sense of misery still lingered and jabbed at my heart. Misery.

I needed to get out of the house. I needed a break from my life that I hate. I needed to stop moping, staring blankly out the window, aimlessly wondering from room to room, thought to thought.

I ended up at a coffee shop and spent about an hour just writing and finally came up with a list of things I want in my life that would take my mind off of boredom and misery. That would also help me not feel aimless in taking an internship at my dad's workplace that has little to do with what I want to pursue and is really only an opportunity to save money.

So here is the list of things I came up with:

Find friends. And not work related ones.
Spend time with Frenchness things.
Visit museums and art galleries.
Attend art auctions from leading auction houses for sport (this is my ideal workplace).
Begin studying for the GRE.
Workout. Yoga, cardio, etc. Possibly join a gym or yoga studio.
Join a Hiking or Outdoors Sports club. I found some but they were doing marathon training and I believe I'm quite a bit too out of shape for marathons...
Look into horseback riding lessons.
Regularly visit NYC to soak up their energy, break from routine and enjoy the city.

So that is my list. A balance of the life I have and still staying in tune with the life I want. I'm really excited about the hiking and horseback riding.

I also started looking into dual masters programs. I am looking at the possibility of getting my MA in Art History and my MBA. This means I'll have to take my GRE and my GMAT. I am not excited about this at all but I know I will do well. It also means I'll have to take some math courses to help me prepare and re-familiarize myself with mathematics. It's been 5 years since my last math class. My goal is to take the GRE before September and the GMAT once I return from France meaning I'll be headed to graduate school by 2013.

I also have a timeline. I'm working for my dad for 6 months only. No more. I don't want to work there more. Whether or not France works out (if it does, I would be leaving in 7 months), I'm either moving after that amount of time to a city or area I feel more at home and more on my own. If France does work out, I'll have enough money saved to move somewhere that's not my parents place once I return. Moving close to where I plan on going to Grad School makes the most sense.

I feel motivated again. I've been smiling again. I can do this and I feel goal oriented and empowered. I guess lists aren't so bad after all.

Stop Talking. Eat Your Veggies!

2010-02-15T20:46:00.006-05:00

I've finally gotten my diet under control. I've settled into a routine after moving and finding myself with nothing to do everyday. Anybodies diet can easily take a turn for the worse with routine changes before finally settling back to healthy. Thank goodness!

So I thought I would share with you some of the things I've been munching on.

Eat Your Berries.

Ok eat all your fruits. For breakfast I usually have a smoothy and sometimes I have a protein with it like scrambled eggs I share with my parrots. My smoothies are pretty basic and taste great! This morning I blended into perfection a small carton of yogurt (today it was Dannon's Fit and Light Blueberry Yogurt), a splash of milk, about a cup of delicious frozen, all natural, no added sugar blueberries and one banana. I always use all natural, no sugar added frozen fruits and I love to add fresh fruits whenever I can. I am in the mood for pink so tomorrow I'll probably do a strawberry smoothie instead of blueberries. To complete the blueberry theme, I also enjoyed a few mini blueberry muffins I had baked fresh from scratch.

Eat Your Proteins.

For lunches and dinners, I've been enjoying homemade soups. Last night I made a broth-based Tuscan Bean Soup with red potatoes, carrots, onion, northern beans, and fresh parsley (a bunch of other stuff, if you want the recipe, let me know). It was delicious and I have enough leftovers to last me a few more dinners.

I am also excited about my salmon filets waiting to be cooked up tomorrow.

Munch on Your Veggies.

I have also been enjoying mounds of fresh, leafy greens lightly dusted with dressing and topped with carrot sticks, cucumbers, fresh corn cut from the cob and rich red tomatoes. I'm not a huge fan of dressing so balancing the "how about a little lettuce with your dressing" issue has never been a problem with me.

Ok, Now You Can Have Your Snack.

For snacks, really for lunch, I enjoy pita bread and hummus. I found these great individual serving sized hummus snacks perfect for one piece of pita bread so portion control is not a problem.

AND my favorite favorite change to my diet, which has been going on for about a month now, is adding Green Superfood Powder from Amazing Grass to a glass of apple juice or my smoothies. Or both.

What are some of your guys favorite snacks? recipes? health tips?

2010-02-15T13:21:00.004-05:00

I have gotten sucked in to the Olympics. It is so awesome to watch these people who are the best of the best at what they do. I am in awe with the dedication, the motivation and the power within each of the individuals. Did you know Apolo Ohno did 4 two hour workout sessions a day to prepare for speed skating? Not to mention the amount of psychological training they have to do in order to compete with the pressure.

I love the camaraderie between teammates and competitors. There is so much love and support between coaches, parents and sportsmen and I love to see the happiness on everyone's faces especially when a competitor isn't caught up in winning but rather enjoying the experience and happy to do their best.

In some ways watching the Olympics makes me feel depressed. I want to work that hard towards something great. I want to be rewarded for hard work and accomplishments. I want to be fit.

But at the same time, it's incredibly motivating! The power to be all we can be lies within each of us and it must be nurtured, strengthened and never ignored.

So, ok, my life is not where I want to be. It's not what I envisioned for me at 24. I feel stunted by unemployment, my identity is feeling hampered living with my parents again and my lifestyle is not supported by the forces around me. It's harder to maintain the image of who I am. I don't like living under my parents shadow. I love them and they have supported me so much but you are a different person living with them again than when you are out on your own. Even if they are little things such as what's in the fridge but they matter. While once you had control of it, now you don't.

Maybe it's just me but things that hamper my individuality, my independence and my identity really bother me and make me start to squirm. It doesn't help that I'm looking at working for my dad - trapped under his dream and vision rather than living my own.

I've decided to go to France and I hope that I get accepted to the program. I need a reminder of the lifestyle I am. I need to get in touch with my spirit and soul instead of hindered by misery and frustration.

Until I am on my own again, there are things I have to do now in order to keep my vitality and joy of life. I must nurture my spirituality and have decided to take a deeper dive into yoga and spend more time in devotions and meditation. This is why I've started making art again which is the one method I have always been able to rely on in order to tap back into this spirit. I've also started journaling. I love to write and it's so nice to get things out of my head and onto paper.

I am a creator and I am accomplished.

I know this moment in my life is good for me. I know it will teach me perseverance and self-reliance. I know I will walk out of this with my head held high.

A better person.

To french or not to french?

2010-02-09T22:26:00.006-05:00

I have been going back and forth in my head about this program I've applied to. It's for a French Assistantship. The French government hires you to work for 7 to 9 months in France teaching English. You are assigned one or two schools, required to work 12 hours a week, and are paid enough to get by especially if you have a roommate.

I turned in my application about a month ago and since then have been wavering whether or not I really want to go if I do get accepted. Teaching is not something I see myself doing. I also don't have a lot of experience working with children of any age. This job market is also so mean right now. If I do find a job, do I really want to leave it for something not career related?

Today I was listening to my new favorite french singer, Ariane Moffatt, when I decided these were all the stupidest reasons not to go to France for an extended period of time. My soul breaths french air. My heart beats to the tune of french classics. French DVDs fill my collection and my bookcase is overflowing with french related books.

I cannot really explain my frenchness. While some might say I'm obsessed, it's more intimate than obsession. It's not a 12 year old dreaming of becoming Mylie Cyrus. It's more like a hippy happy to sit on the grass and make daisy chains who is chained to a street sign in a city instead. It's simply a piece of the puzzle that contributes to who I am and despite the challenges of balancing me and what the me-I-should-be says, when I curl up into my bed each night it's my french dreams that spill out into my head and not conformity.

Deciding to leave France behind me would be the ultimate defeat. Unemployment, recession, corporate power and settling for less would all win. I would be throwing in the towel - all my ideas and passions about being young, unstoppable, well versed and traveled, experienced and exuberant will have be sacrificed on the nine-to-five.

Um, no thanks.

And the song linked to Ariane Moffatt's name up above -- It's called "I want it all."

Yeah, and I'm gonna get it.

today is a lovely day to be a butterfly

2010-02-09T10:00:00.004-05:00

I've gotten into some trouble with Etsy. I know the last thing I should be buying is photography that makes me feel light and fluttery inside but I did. Lots of it. And as a result I refuse to check the balance on my credit card. To be fair, I know it's far from maxed but it's more than I can pay being, well, unemployed.

I wouldn't have spent so much if I'd have realized that one of the artists was shipping from Australia. That's the trouble you can get into with Etsy! I once found a beautiful scarf but it was from Turkey! Ouch!

Oh but I love Etsy. I love that it's a place for artists to sell their work to buyers who love and adore them. Best yet, it's direct. The artists get to read how much I love them because I tell them so. I have been happy with all of my purchases and I am impatiently waiting for my most recent order to come in the mail.

So in adoration, I suggest you check out the lovely photographers who took the nostalgic photos posted here and soon to be arranged, among others, in my apartment. Paris Calling and Misty, the horse are from the shop ISPhotography and the lovely little butterflies come from Susannah Tucker Photography.

You must also check out my favorite people's Etsy, Amberie.

But please don't blame me for your next credit card statement.

well seasoned

2010-02-04T15:41:00.009-05:00

You know how they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Or todays tribulations are preparation for tomorrows? Well I am more and more well prepared to live in an "affordable" NYC apartment.

It started in Paris. The room was the size of a prison cell, no joke. There was no natural light and everything was a dull yellow - my least favorite color. Worse then that, when the lights were out, little bugs came out of every crack on the tile floor. If you tried to squish them, they ran back into the cracks. It was impossible to kill them and they just kept coming - i would even find them in my bed.

Gross.

Then there was my last apartment. Though large, it did have a mice problem. Ok, it had a mouse. But it gave Maiden practice and me exercise as I ran around trying to show Maiden where the mouse had gone while simultaneously trying to stay restraining orders distance away.

Now I have a bigger bug problem and honestly the mouse was better. This house should in no way have such a flaw but it does. And it's only my room. These bugs are huge and nasty. They look like ticks and they fly. They are the size of a nickel and they are everywhere. I got out of the shower and there was one on my towel looking at me with it's nasty eyes, smelling me with it's gross molesting antennas. When you kill them, they stink -Maiden won't even play with them because she can smell all that stinkiness pent up inside them. I killed one and three more took it's place (wouldn't it be great of the the job market was like that? lol). There are red bug guts plastered on my blue ceiling and Maiden's scratch post is the most handy weapon against these intruders (Sorry Maiden). This morning I vacuumed up six bodies and various body parts from the unlucky little bastards (yeah, I said it) that I had killed within the last 24 hours. The unluckiest are still trying to figure a way out of the vacuum amid all their dead friends. I have two in there now and a third will be joining them shortly.

I haven't thought of what to do once the vacuum cleaner is full.

So, yeah, I'm ready.

Rouge made me smile

2010-02-04T13:25:00.013-05:00

To make myself feel more polished and professional, I got a hair cut. I've gone from brunette to blonde back to brunette and now a splash of copper and hint of red. It's not as red as I had wanted so before spring I'll spice up with lots of beautiful, rich Debra Messing red.

PHOTOS HAS BEEN REMOVED BY AUTHOR

I've put the job search on hold and I think that is partly because I'm taking a position at my dad's place. The companies social media has not been optimized, so what better position for an unemployed, facebook-addicted blogger of 24 than making sure their website is more attractive for users and more available for facebook updates and tweets. It honestly sounds fun but being that the head quarters already has a social media lady who oversees everything and what I'm going to be doing will be kept on the DL so as not to step on anyone's toes (being the boss's daughter with no managerial experience after all) I feel like I'll just hit a glass ceiling so to speak. I have a lot of great ideas that could make their customer website awesome -- I hope I get to see it happen.

I'm still on the lookout for the perfect job. While I am excited about beefing up the site, it's not career focused. I'm hoping that the routine will help me focus on things like the GRE and Italian which have been put aside in my jobless frustrations. I feel like I shouldn't focus on anything like that until i've found the job and yet i've stopped looking. I still can't get myself delved into another project. It's like I'm spinning in circles and am dizzy.

On the other hand, I did manage to get all cute today and am heading out of the house. I sure wish I lived in Paris or NYC because aimless wandering is so much more fun when you can feed off the energy of all those walking around as well - not to mention the endless shops, gardens, and sites to see. In Paris I never tired of it. I live in suburbia here so it's not the same. I think if the France thing falls through, I'm saving to move to NYC and I'm hoping for that job at Christie's where a desk awaits me with a little box of business cards.

Oh, and the kitten idea bombed. I freaked out! I went shopping for it, bought all this stuff, and then decided to not follow through. I had to email the poor lady and tell her it wasn't possible after all. I don't know why I freaked. Part of me feels like I can't afford it, part of me freaked because I don't know where I'll be in the next two years, and another part of me didn't want to have to divide my time between Maiden and another kitten, not to mention Jadie and Luella. Maiden is almost like a dog the way she brings toys to me and follows me throughout the house - a typical characteristic of any deaf kitty.

On the other hand, I still think she would do well with a buddy. As my mom reminded me, this isn't the last chance I have to get another kitten. Perhaps I should wait until I know more what I'm doing/where I'm going.

I forgot it's February...

2010-02-02T21:34:00.004-05:00

The Christmas tree is still up - without any ornaments because none were ever put on it in the first place. Oh well. If I cared, I would go downstairs and start putting it away but it's already February so it might as well stay up for the rest of the year - Christmas is on its way!

So I am starting a new phase in this unemployment blundering. I'm working on getting myself on a normal humans sleep schedule. This means that last night I went to bed at 11pm and woke up to my cat's habitual march across my breasts at 6:30am (and to think I want two cats!). It also means that I was sleep deprived and took an estimated 4 hour nap this afternoon but none the less, I'm making progress.

The energy and restlessness in me is rising to the point where it can no longer be ignored. I am hoping this will not end up to be like the global warming scare where the majority of people cared for about two seconds and then went on to their normal bad life styles and now there seems to be that attitude out there that it's not going to happen and it's too late so why change. At least where the ozone layer is getting thinner, my waist line is not.

Goals include setting an exercise goal and using the old dusty (actually it's not old but it seems like it is) tread mill down in the basement even if it means that leaves me with an hour to listen to the silence in my head and the constant thud thud thud of my running legs. I'm already bored to death and that silence seems unbearable. I need to think of ways to rev it up and I'm thinking the surround sound down there might be a great fix.

Honestly, I've put on more weight being unemployed than my Freshman 15 (to be clear, I never had a Freshman 15, so I really haven't gained all that much but I've started to)! And why do you think no one has coined a snazy little term for this? Because UNEMPLOYMENT IS NOT NATURAL! Whereas going to college is and this is why you might as well shred your hard earned diploma (in my case diplomaS and that still has nothing to say for me).

So exercise is one and getting up in the morning like a normal person is two.

I don't have a three. Two is good for now.

M.I.A.

2010-02-01T21:56:00.010-05:00

So I have put getting a job on the back burner and adopting a kitten front and center -- in fact, it's boiling over. Since I am living with my parents, already have a cat, also have two parrots, and then my parents have a dog and a cat... I am suddenly feeling cold feet. Aside from my feet already being freezing with the negative temperatures around the area, they are now additionally cold which is unbearable. I don't think I am able to decide on much right now but I do know that when I found some memorabilia from my two deceased kitties, I jumped right on board to adopting a cute 9 week old kitten that's to come home on Wednesday.

My Maiden

My Jadie (left) and Luella (right)

The Late and Perfect Sheeba (1996? - September 10, 2008)

The Late and Loyal Bootsie (1996? - June 9, 2009)

My Parent's Roxy... and Me

PHOTO HAS BEEN REMOVED BY AUTHOR

To be fair, I've always wanted two cats instead of one so they can be friends and Maiden is still young enough that the chances are in her favor. Also to be fair, this unemployment blunder isn't going to last much longer (I'm going to go work for my dad but I'll still consider myself "unemployed" and looking for work that's my passion not necessarily my paycheck). Additionally, I found Sheeba (yes, with two e's for extra greatness) and Bootsie's things (old collar, favorite toys, death certificates I hadn't seen yet since I was away when both died) after already having inquired about 10 possible available adorable little kittens I thought Maiden would do well with.

So why the cold feet? Why the doubts about whether this is right or wrong? I think the fear is coming from whether or not I am doing the right thing for Maiden. When she first met NaNa (pronounced Nah-Nah, it's Japanese not Gramma... and for a black cat names Luck, he's not doing too bad) she curiously bounded right up to him as if to say, "HI! You're my new best friend!" in an innocent school girl kind of way only to rudely attacked. Does his regular abuse render her disenchanted by kitties? Roxy does ok with her but she's not always nice and I don't think Maiden appreciates Roxy's role as "The Fun Police." Typical terrier.

Of course, Maiden and little kitten I'm naming Chantilly are mine forever (I'm not forgetting my birds here either) and living with my parents with these other depressing, grumpy, ornery animals (ok, I'm exaggerating, they're adorable and I love them) is not. And

I've always wanted lots of animals, including my own pet deer (like Audrey Hepburn) and also my own sweet little donkey (Audrey Hepburn had one too but I'm not sure where this idea came from).

I wish the decision were easy. I wish Maiden would tell me she would love a kitty friend, although I think she has been. I hope she isn't too old to bond with the little new comer, and I hope that I am not losing my mind being unemployed and researching kittens instead of CareerBuilder.com. I need some assurance...

I did, however, go shopping today for Chantilly! It was fun! It may also be why I'm feeling cold feet now, it's all becoming very real. I am actually going through with it. She will be well supplied despite no job and better supplied once I get one. Thank goodness for graduation money, although I'm not sure this is what it was intended for and it's certainly not what I put in my Thank You letters.

Let the Fire Burn

2010-01-29T22:55:00.010-05:00

Sometimes inspiration and hope comes from the least expected sources. Today I was sitting at the hair salon..... by the way, there is no better way to boost your confidence for interviews than a new sexy hair color and style... wow, that was a tangent. Anyways, back to the hair salon, what better to read than Glamour? Sitting on the seat next to me was their 2010 debut issue. Bored with my hair swirled up in a thick glob of dark hair dye, I picked up the magazine I usually only use for fashion ideas and began reading it cover to cover.

There was a comment Katy Perry had made in her interview that I thought all unemployed dreamers should really take to heart. She was discussing her trials and tribulations of living in LA, being broke, in dept, and working shitty jobs (oh, am I not allowed to say shitty??). She was trying to make a break and become a star performer but so many were there to tell her she sucked or that she was great yet never offer her a leg up. So much false hope lingered on the sunny beaches of LA and yet she never gave up.

I love this part of the interview so much I think I might try and get it published in the hypothetical book of my amazing cover letter collection:

"KP: I had two cars repossessed, tons of debt. I had a horrible job [critiquing music demos] that was damaging to my soul. After being on three different labels and knowing everyone and hearing yeses and nos and “You’re it!” or “You’re s—t!” I was depressed. But I never took no for an answer and really believed in myself.

GLAMOUR: Where does that determination come from?

KP: Maybe I’m competitive. I just feel like I have this gift that I’ve been given. It’s like, “Someone unwrap it! Here it is!” That drive can’t be held down. I have a lot of ambition."

I know what it's like to find work in a place that damages your soul, your spirit, the very spark that makes you who you are (this is why i will never return to starbucks even though I know I could). It's hard to convince ourselves to compromise our passions. I don't know about you but I was always told to do what I love, be who I am, follow my heart and yet without being able to begin building the career of my dreams, I am left with having to send away a little piece of my spirit ever time I email another application for a position that really fails to speak to my heart.

I can't let go of my dreams. I think the scariest thing about being unemployed is realizing that you can't taste them anymore. That the ideas of them being too complicated, too far-fetched, too child-like plague our minds. You don't even dream about them anymore in your sleep, instead you dream of a health insurance to cover your chiropractor (true story) or your cat on the roof of your pool house being chased by a bear only to save your cat who is now a chihuahua (another true story... and I don't have a pool house).

I don't personally aspire to be an entertainer with a taste for pushing the envelope with my bra top, but I think we can take encouragement from Katy Perry not to let our ambitions slide, not to forget about our dreams, and to never stop striving to fill the shoes we know would fit us all too well.

I leave you with one final comment that I love and am going to paint on my walls... well, maybe I'll use chalk... it's cheaper.

"GLAMOUR: You were giving yourself until 25 to make it, and you have. What would you be doing if you hadn’t?

KP: Still trying to make it. I would never give up."

AMEN KATY!

Oh, and as to my hair - i went from brunette to a gorgeous blend of fiery red and deep deep brown. Pictures to come!

now this is a new development

2010-01-29T00:38:00.003-05:00

The silly thing about being unemployed is your complete disconnect with reality. In reality, people go to bed fairly early to get up for work in the morning. But in my alter-reality, I set the time. And even when I attempt to live by reality-peoples time, my body refuses. So here I am, 1am and I've already gone to bed, woken up to my dreams, did my morning routine, even made breakfast, and am now watching old CSI NY episodes... Perhaps by 4am I'll feel up for a nap. Until then, I'm watching celebrities pretending to have normal jobs where their expertise get them somewhere...

signs you are unemployed

2010-01-28T11:00:00.008-05:00

You wake up everyday at 11am
This is after falling asleep anywhere between 1 and 3am
You don't see the point in leaving the house on a weekday because all your friends are busy at their jobs resulting in wearing your pajamas until the fam comes home from their offices around 6pm
You eat two meals a day: a breakfast/lunch combo and dinner. You don't have a third because by that time it's 10pm and it's too late to eat
You check your email at 11pm and again at 2am wondering why the HR department hasn't emailed you for an interview yet. After all, you just submitted your application at 4pm, so they should call soon, right?
You consider a productive day to include doing the laundry and catching up on your online tv show watching
You never want to listen to people complaining about their jobs. How ungrateful they are, you'll call HR tomorrow and try to get their position
You forget what day it is, wandering to the post office on a Sunday and confused that it's closed on a weekday
You get so good at writing cover letters you're tempted to publish them in a book and sell out the Knock'em Dead series which hasn't landed you a job anyways
You continually check your phone. You make sure 100x a day that the ringer volume is up and vibrate is off. Even if it appears there have been no missed calls, no messages, no texts - you check every applicable application just to be sure there wasn't a glitch in technology
You even send emails to yourself to verify your gmail is working correctly
You insist that Obama should hire you at the White House for the sake of the recession. You even send him a cover letter and resume explaining that they have your permission to exploit the hiring of a fresh college graduate to the position of Minister of Culture (do we even have one?) on all the leading tv news broadcasters. After all, he did promise more jobs, didn't he?
Ironically, you just googled Director of Culture and found that they are hiring... it must be fate

seaweed facials

2010-01-27T22:26:00.000-05:00

I am enjoying a refreshing seaweed facial that was made fresh and cannot be stored outside the fridge. I love this concept. My friend inspired me, without even knowing it, with her New Years Resolution: To treat her body so that it knows it is loved. Do we do that enough? This facial is doing it. My wheat grass drink is doing it. Laughing is doing it.

On a slightly different, but coherent note, I would like to ask each of my devoted readers (sense of irony here, I know I have none or maybe just one or two) to consider participating in Women I love Project which is a non-profit organization that encourages women to send special Valentine's to the women in their life. Ideas for who to send them to include friends, frienemies, co-workers, superiors, family, and even women you have said mean things to, gossiped about, or despised. Special cards can be sent to women you think need cheering up or who appear to have low self-esteems. We need to support the women in our lives and lift each other up! So click the link and participate! I have a list of women I'm sending cards too!

Oh, and more importantly - single ladies - do '010 a favor and please stop moping around and complaining that you don't have a boyfriend this Valentine's Day. No one can fix that for you and everyone is tired of hearing it. Go get some special facial cream, some new nail polish, your favorite take out and enjoy an evening spoiling you for all that you love about you. Invite your single lady friends and giggle the night away!

As for finding a job, I checked the company that made my facial. They're not hiring.

I gave up my dignity for a pair of payless sling-backs (jk but almost)

2010-01-27T10:20:00.000-05:00

I am giving myself time to mope about my current situation. This is not normally me and while I see it's a road that leads to nowhere... it is a road that eventually leads to a fork and I can get off of it and on to the road of recovery, hope, inspiration and motivation. But for now I'm on a detour.

The past 24 hours have been the hardest yet. Perhaps it's because I hit the one month mark of unemployment, perhaps it's because I have yet to have one lead. I also think it might have something to do with finding a job posting for a position I was thrilled about - that fit right down my alley which was unexpected as art careers are at an all time low - only to not hear back within 12 hours of applying. This is irrational as I know hiring takes time. But I am sick of waiting and I don't have the patience.

I'm am an excellent employee. I am a dedicated individual. I am just plain awesome and it's frustrating that no one is interested in hiring me! Especially since all I want to do is contribute to society! Since when did that become such a challenge?

This morning I broke down and looked for available jobs at local retail stores - something I was holding out on in an effort to maintain my dignity. Even they had no available positions! Big and small! In a way, it's encouragement to stay strong and focus on what I really want. In another way, it professes the sheer hopelessness of this economy.

On the flip side, my learning Italian is going quite well.

"Quotation" is a noun. "Quote" is a verb.

2010-01-27T09:53:00.000-05:00

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

-- Brian Littrell

Oh really? Or your missile could burn up all of its gas on its way to the moon, begin floating in an endless sea of zero gravity eventually re-entering the earths atmosphere and burning up before it even hits the earths surface.

Life is a big canvas, throw all the paint on it you can.

-- Danny Kaye

The store ran out of paint... I'd change media but I ran out of money.

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.

-- Henry David Thoreau

Now this, this I like because I've done just this. I even lived in the castles for a bit. Now how do I get back up there?

And if you really want some good quotations, google "Quotations by AJ McLean." They have nothing to do with this blog, nothing to do with my day, but they did make me laugh as they were all listed under "Motivational."

I hate being unemployed

2010-01-27T01:27:00.000-05:00

While it may seem wonderful to have some reprieve after graduating, I have had my fill. Instead of being able to push the plate away and excuse myself from the table, I'm shackled down by words like "unemployed," "recession," "post-graduate depression," and haunted by the memory of who I was only a few short weeks ago that now seem an odd misplaced memory suspected to have come from a life I reincarnated from, but not my own. I stare with disdain at the dish that's been placed in front of me. I will not pick up the fork. I will not swallow the blow to my dignity.

As the title I chose for this blog suggests, I feel mostly as if I have broken a heel. College prepared me, refined me, and polished me to head out ambitiously into the work force but as I stepped out of the car driving me away from university life and into my professional career, I fell to the pavement with the heel of my polished shoes detached from its sole.

My resume is beautifully crisp as are the many new white blouses that go nicely with my two prized $300 business suits for interviews and first-day-on-the-job attire. New shoes patiently wait to be worn, unopened nylon packages collect dust in the closet, and pride slowly drips out of the perfume bottle laying untouched on the bathroom counter.

The last month has been filled with writing cover letter after cover letter, emailing, calling, and resorting to online job sites. No phone calls, no emails. I wait. I check my iPhone every moment convinced there must really be an email or missed call despite it's chilling silence. And I wait some more.

Does this sound as pitiful and hopeless as I feel?