Broken Heel is walking strong...

... and proud with new opportunities.

Check out my new blog, La Belle in France: same blogger, different blog, renewed vitality.

Sexy

I feel incredibly sexy. There is no rhyme or reason, no man or crush, no new lingerie, nothing of the sort. There is me. Here and now. Loving who I am and what I have. Feeling 100% sexy and independent and charming and desirable.

I remember the last time I felt like this. It was in college just 4 months ago. And unemployment and starting a new job took that away. But I'm back in my skin again wondering what new adventures will arise out of me being confident as me in a new environment with people that don't know me.

The world is open, the possibilities endless.

It feels good.

Round and Round

There are so many things I want in life! It's driving me nuts! I want it all, I don't know how to get it all, I don't know what to choose, I don't know when to choose it. Blah blah blah!

I discovered an area of the city I'm near that I love! I want so badly to just move there - but I have to wait. For one, I had no intention of hanging around here long. I was also playing with the idea of moving back to California. I also love NYC. I desperately want to move to France. And if I were to arrange moving there any time soon... well, the rent is a bit steep and what about Jadie and Luella (my parrots)? With Maiden too (my cat)?

I also want to buy a house. But when and where? I'm not settled enough to buy a house... but why max out on rent, when I should save to buy?

And I certainly don't want to live with mom and dad for too much longer. Do I start to settle down here and rent an expensive condo? How can I save for buying if I'm max'd out on renting? Yet, I can save a ton living with my parents...

Will a downtown apartment allow my parrots? I need at least a one bedroom to keep my parrots and Maiden separated. Can I find that? Can I afford it?

Do I even really want to consider settling around here?

Do I really want to move to NYC? Which is more expensive, more crime ridden, more of a hassle.

And California, on the other hand, isn't really the focus of the art world... is there enough for me to start a career out there? But the people are more my kind of people.

NYC is better for beginning... I wouldn't have to be there long. Although I would not be able to save money to move to California once I'd had enough of it... But would I lose myself to the corporate world?

And France? Why can't I just move there? Then I wouldn't be here debating over which city I think is right for me... which city I feel has the kind of people I want to include in my life. Which city has the best real estate.

I hate how my mind goes around and around in these circles!!!

It's never too late to become who you want to be

So I kinda have a crush on my massage therapist. Is this weird? I can't decide. In my defense, I noticed him before he ever became my massage therapist. I kinda have this thing for... well, for dreads. And he has beautiful, long, thin dreads. With his organic clothing, his bare feet.... I find him quite sexy.

Perhaps it's because I've always wanted dreads. The first time I considered them, I must have been about 13. A charismatic girl on TV had them with seashells intertwined. It was free spirited. It was exotic. It was beautiful and I wanted to be as light as she was.

Not too deep down inside I want the lifestyle that is associated with dreads. I want the intimate circle of friends. The interesting religious/spiritual ideas and discussions. The sense that you belong to a larger purpose. The interest in fighting for political freedoms, especially those environmentally significant. The focus on each day, each moment, each relationship - rather than money. The interest in yoga, meditation and bohemian dress and decor. The appreciation of art.

But I wasn't raised to appreciate those values. I have been raised to be sophisticated. Educated.

Corporate minded. Business savvy. Suit and nylons. Heels and cocktails. A slave to modern society rather than a flower child of timelessness.

I can't turn my back on who I've become. Fully embracing a hippie lifestyle wouldn't feel quite natural. But I can find little ways to integrate the bohemian culture into my daily life. I would love to find someone who balanced out the sophisticated in me and embarked with me on this voyage of exploring my inner bohemian.

So I know my massage therapist can never be anything more than that. None the less, I will take what I can even if it's just a little encouragement to embrace my inner bohemian with a little more fervor. And that's not strange at all - that's simply allowing oneself to be impacted by another person in a positive way.

And so I'm inspired.

Frustration

When you know you are capable of flying to the moon, it sucks when NASA only gives you access to the training rocket that never leaves planet earth. I know I took this job/internship over the art gallery and I know it was my choice. But everyone I had talked to about it seemed to listen and love my ideas. I was given the impression that I would be overseeing something and making a lot of positive changes.

After spending the last week in the office, it's become clear that they have no idea what to do with me. I'm the Social Media Intern and quite frankly I know more about social media than anyone that's there. "Intern" implies that I'm learning something and yet I'm the one teaching. I should be the Social Media Coordinator but I don't have access to the vast array of things that desperately need to be coordinated as they are that the corporate office. So what the hell am I doing?

So far my one task is updating the facebook page. Do they really need one person to update the facebook page? Do they really need to pay me so much to update the page? Are they aware that updating the facebook page takes about 5 minutes a day? Are they aware that this is so incredibly simple an 11 year old could do it and I would be happy to volunteer to do this from my home instead of get all dressed up to come to the office and sit there feeling misplaced for 7 hours and 55 minutes 5 days a week?

So I look out the window and the moon is still thousands of miles away pinned to the black sky. It's full face softly illuminates my room and fills my head with dreams and possibilities. My beacon of hope.

To make things more frustrating, the company hires so many "Fellows" each year. I have more education than these Fellows and yet they are given more responsibility than I am. I secretly despise them especially the ones that I know carry low IQ's yet somehow managed to get by the screening necessary to be deemed a "Fellow."

I should have followed my passions. I should have stuck with art. Thank goodness this is only 6 months! Thank goodness I am paid (although is it odd I wish my responsibilities matched the dollar amount?)! I have 23 more weeks (yes, I'm counting down).

I hope that this amounts to more than a bullet on my resumé that reads "Regularly updated Facebook."

New Chapter

Tomorrow I start my internship. I'll be working as a Social Media intern in the Marketing Department. I'm nervous, excited and realize that unemployment, though challenging, depressing and deafening at times, has really been a great opportunity to write, explore my heart and tackle new projects like painting my room. The painting is far from finished but that's OK. It's about journey not the destination and I'm enjoying the process.

I did turn down the position at the art gallery. Something wasn't right about the work environment. On top of that, the gallery had little concern for contributing to the world of art - meaning they didn't really have a grasp on what was worth a scholars attention, in other words what would later be qualified as art of our time. This element is important to me, not aesthetics.

So tomorrow I suit up for orientation. I still feel as if I'm on a tangeant and have decided to continue this blog although I'm working on my new twist.

I love that this blog, more than anything, has connected me with others who have been encouraging despite going through this same process themselves.

Thank you so much my dearest readers!

I ♥ Elephants